I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
