I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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