I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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