Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
