My underwear smells like fireworks.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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