just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
