hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
