My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
