Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
