sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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