Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
