my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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