So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
