im about as happy as oj after his trial
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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