dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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