i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
