I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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