I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
