i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize