what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
