We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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