I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
