How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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