im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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