Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
