Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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