At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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