I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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