Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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