my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
