How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
