why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
