He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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