If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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