Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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