true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
