i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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