I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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