i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
