you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
