I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
