were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
