you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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