omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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