I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He? As in you personified your dick?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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