I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
