he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize