so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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