I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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