Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
