nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
