Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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