So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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