if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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