When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize