Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
