Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
